I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
