Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
