Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
They should really pass out barf bags in church
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
