She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
i need some magic done to my vagina
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
