I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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