just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
