i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Randomize
