People in love make me want to vomit
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
Randomize