it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
