i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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