In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
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