woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
3pm strippers are depressing
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
