Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
