Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
For the record dan just proved he knows the first and last names of ALL the members of NSync. Jury is no longer out on his sexuality.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
