You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Randomize
