I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
