i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
