I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I queefed so loud it echoed.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
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