On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
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