Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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