ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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