I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
