i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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