Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
