1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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