Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
