Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I have feelings that need drinking.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Randomize
