between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
