I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Randomize
