Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
