I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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