Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
he shaved USA in his pubs
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
