Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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