I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
