chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Randomize
