you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
please don't ironically join a cult
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