My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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