Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
What a dumb baby whore.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize
