I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
