Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
