I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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