Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Randomize
