i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
