you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
