Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
