Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Every concussion has its silver lining
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
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