two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Randomize
