Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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