goodnight i made you a song goodbye
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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