2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
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