Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
We had to coat check the pizza.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Randomize
