Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
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