You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
