Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
