Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Randomize
