then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
