I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
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