Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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