So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
