Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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