He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
We talked him into tasing himself.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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