Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
