dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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