i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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